Absolutely, positively....Always looking out for something that leads to happiness no matter what

The past few days had been rainy... dark clouds surrounding the sky. Or should I mean red. However, I always love the the rain. Don't know why,... well, I'm not quoting the norah jones song. It's a feeling that I can't quite comprehend but really. There's something romantic about the rain to me, all the time. It brings lots of past feelings back. I also hope it's not the weather that brought back my ex to my thoughts. Just bump into my ex that day. My ex was surprised with my err.... 'sharp eyes' :-) to be able to catch the 'vision' even at a distance. We chatted abit. Sometimes I wonder if the other still upset with me for my behaviour and immaturity at that stage. However, with that few months that had passed, I also can't quite dare to say if I had mature. Sometimes when things get busy and haywire, I can behave like a brat and lose myself when I reflect back. I nearly still lose it when I get tired. But I must say being busy in school does put my head firmly on the ground at many points. What's past has past, can only be reflective about it but guess can't dwell on it too much. Too unhealthy.... :-)

Presentation after presentation and assignment after assignment. Almost neverending in NIE sometimes. but I must say it's fun.....I was put on interrogation by my classmate as you can see in the attached picture. Hahahha... my friends love to laugh at me and say I am a bimbo in the class. However, close classmate cum colleague of my class, A actually read my mind and said, "You think just because you act like a bimbo, you can get away with everything rite?" :-).. Smart boy. Always able to read my thoughts. Wonder if it's because he's kaypoh or smart... Always burst the bubble in my mind. Really jealous of this boy sometimes, laid back and messy at times, crazy and irritating on some occassions. But overall, a very charming nice guy, smart but not arrogant, friendly, caring and very loyal. Helpful as well. I met his gf before and must say they are very fortunate to have found each other. AM is right, A does belong to the 'Strawberry' type of character. Strong beneath his laid-back appearance. But I must say A needs to learn to pout his lips more. hahha... bitchy me. Oops! :-0

Ok, guess it's all for now.. will be back to update more but for now, am absolutely, positively needing some good rest before my nextbattle of deadlines. :-)

Many months gone...and now

It's been many months gone and it's been a neraly a new period going for me, school, work and sometimes dates. God-daughter has been growing well but the naughtiness she's been showing. Hell! hahhaa... I wonder if I was like that when I was young. Hahaha... lets see how she looks now.

Oops, sorry that was then.... I met up with TY and C quite often and I must say having this little one--Adela has brought our friendship closer and I am thankful for that, honestly. Hmm.... lets see how she have grown in the next picture. Hahaha.... Sometimes hateful but most times lovely, its like having a lover--a love-hate releationship. :-) As you can see in the next two pics of her in yellow tees... I took long time to really 'bribe' her into letting me play with her. So we were saying how babies can be eomotionally manipulative. Hahhaa... and you can see how they know they can 'train' us to be obedient to them. And it's funny because'we adults actually enjoy the process. Lest you think I am bitching about it, well, I actually enjoy it too. I just kinda reflect on teh whole process and sometimes thought it's funny. Very funny. I remember how I first look at her fragile little body, which was difficult to carry until a little baby who wants to be carried. The first she let me carried her, I understand how parents felt when they first carry their newborn--the warmth that slowly raises up from your stomach to your eyes. The feeling of warmth to sadness to happiness that slowly well up to become tears in your eyes. So drama. Hahaha... It might get close to how parents felt but I guess it's along that line. Always like to carry her when I see her until I felt bad sometimes cause I thought I was almost harassing her. Hahaha.... But when she stretched her hands out to ask me to carry, I can't wait to do so.

Since my relationship, she's been part of my pillar of strength. Thankful that TY, C and her are here, as well as many of my friends who althought never mentioned anything, I know they cared and wnat to help me treat the bad situation as part of life and lived it off. But like I said in my msn: life is just so short, why not be happy and lived it well. So I guess teh time now is lived and learn and show more care and concern to others and live it well. Every step is a learnign process, isn't it?

And speaking of learn, days in NIE is tough on many occasions but many times a enjoyable learning process. Am happy to be back at the learning environment. Look at our science lesson on meal worms for example. We were all scrambling getting excited and scared at the same time over little mealworms. You should see our reaction. Some of us acted like kids while a few actually cried out because they got too scared at the sight of the worms. But seriuously Its only as small as your thumb. :-)...

Hope you enjoy the latest post. I'll be back... soon. For now, hope you enjoy the bolg, if there's anyone reading it. :-)

A New Day...1

It's been awhile. Haven't really update for a long time. Many things have happened since the end of an old relationship. Have been trying out new things to do, learning new things and trying some new experience. Lots and lots going on and just learning to enjoy my own space once again and finding myself again having lost most of it at the last stage of my relationship. Still missing that someone alot but guess the hurt, hate and grudges are not really there as much anymore.

Some bad experiences had happened along the way but also some new ones to top it. Well, guess it balances out. :-) no matter what it may not be the best stage of my life right now but am learning to be happy. Is anyone reading? Hahahaha...... who cares... :-p

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nvCwvX57a8

Check out this idol song... a little cliche and corny but as the song says: Life has no boundaries... at least for me at this stage in order to find myself again.

The end of a relationship....

Do we exist for a relationship or does a relationship exist because of us?
My heart is aching at the moment and it is hard to control. Never know I have to face this feeling again. I used to face heartache only because dates don't work out and it was real easy as time goes by. Am I a pro in that? I hope not, that probably make me a failure in developing relaitonships. Haha... It just didn't work out I guess. And I have become strong at that area where if it doesn't I can easily pick myself again.

But this time round, it's different. I guess both of us trustingly gave our hearts to each other. We tried for years to work things out. I have to admit that there are some things work while some remained the same. And the issues that remained the same ultimately took over me and my emotions and I completely lost myself thinking that by just being upset and angry, the other party will take notice. I took it for granted that the other party will listen to me when I get angry. I also thought that by only getting upset and not telling it, I am actually not protecting the other party but rather exposing to more hurt than I thought. Chemistry between us in all areas just keep going downhill. The more I tried to save, the worse it got. I remember once when the other party had to sit me down to talkl bout the problems. I was forced till the other party's eyes went red, almost with tears did I actually squeeze my problems out. Finally when I mentioned a break-up at the end, it was the last straw for the other party. I made that silly mistake. The other never want to talked about it anymore except that we are unhappy and that we just didn't work out, so it is better to break it before we 'kill' each other off and hate each other forever. The other party's heart had also closed up to me by then, I couldn't never enter the heart anymore. I really wished I could turn back time.

Some people would say that it things work between two party, it will just work. I used to believe that too. But during our two months' break before reconfirming the break, I looked and asked about many friends who are in a relationship, I gathered form them how things can last only because you planned and allowed yourself to change and grow. One also has to learn to open up and speak his/her mind freely so that communication will transcend between the two parties. I also had to learn about how feelings changed because love will not forever be fireworks in your heart but rather a spark and flame which you will have to constantly light it up to keep it going. In other words, it will slowly become everyday life but you know you say everything to him or her because the other party is your best friend, your partner and your companion. I really wished I could have the other party to built taht up with me again. I guessed I realized it too late now. Whenever I think of the good times, my heart just ached like a tiredness that I have never experienced. When I remmeber the bad times, I keep blaming myself for putting the other party through all the issues and why I haven't learnt all tis time? Although the other party ess I told my friends that I had a good temper and was the person who hiold the relationship, deep down, I knew he didn't hate me but was disappointed that I wasn't understanding enough to make changes for the other party. I really don't know what my frined told the other party about what I said before but I learnt not to pur out everything from now on cause they might be taken in the worng context under different situations.

The other party always thought I was unhappy. Honestly, I really dunno why that was so. However, I thought that by leaving that thought lying around, the other party will work harder for us but I didn't think it will be a future catalyst for the break that lead to a point of no salvation. Now I know, no matter, always remmeber to encourage your loved ones so they understand that you love them and that everything is fine. Sigh... a little too late.

Can't sleep

Sigh... what a day. Can't sleep... Not too sure if it's because of the coffee plus the tea or what. Or is it the problems that keep coming on my mind. the problems between me and my ex. The things I wanted to ask. Everything everything. Friends have been advicing me about it but I just couldn't get my mind off the issue about me and my ex. I wished I hve the chance to ask and talk and discuss. IF there was no chance then it's fine but there's so many queries on my mind. Soooo many.

Start of a new day in the week....

It's Monday today.. but why am I feeling lost? Everything hasn't been the same since the other party left.... Perhaps, this is my way of acknowledging our relationship and to show that I sincerely want to carry. This might be a way to express how I feel to the other party and in turn let myself reflect on my own behaviour and make myself a better person. But I really the other party can share this step with me. I can do it alone but I rather have the other party beside me.

For a start, I am coming 32 this Oct 2009. Many times, I felt that I been through alot since I reached 21. But looking back on it for the past two weeks, I wonder if it is because I have been through alot that the moment I started my new job, I felt liberated that I forgotten to take people's feelings and sensitivity into consideration, especially the one who have stood by me all this time.

I know I haven't lost myself but I never realise I have become caught up in my job and my own freedom that I haven't been making the other party party. When I was upset, I chose to push the other party away rather than engage to resolve the 'our' problems, my problems. Reflecting on it, I felt selfish and inconsiderate. At the end of it, I finally broke up our relationship and left the other party there to think that the rlelationship was beyond repair, and was really an unhappy one. Although the other party told me not to blame myself as even if I didn't get angry that day, our relationship would still take its course. However, I know that if there was a chance to salvage that day, our relaitonship would grow because I finally realize my faults. Unfortunately, it was not to be. I walked away, broke up the relationship and only realize my mistake a week after.. too late then. I only let myself cried for two days, which had now stretched to weeks. The other party even said that there was no way to see that we could be happy together so it is unlikely to change his/her mind.

I still believe in us, I missed hearing the phonecalls and voicecalls. I know we have both fight hard enough but it is not our best yet. Is it still possible between us? I am giving some space between us to see what happens. But I have realized something, it is no point to cry over spill milk but rather, if given the chance I know where my stand and role in this relationship better this time round to make the other party happy. i have seen people work it out and there are 2 results: you either make it and move on form there, building a happy ending or you fail. If I am going to puit in the effort, why let it fail?? All I know the other party has made me believe in love when I was least looking for it; now its my turn to show him the same. Please me stood by you once again like you have always been by my side. Let me be the strength to carry you through the weakest days. I know it sounds mushy and corny but because I have never said it before, all the more I want you know it is true. I don't how to show that I am sincere but if you see without your mind over your heart, you will knwo that I mean every word and my friends knwo that I will make my best to get it worked.